


initials

by winchestrs



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Bear - Freeform, Connor - Freeform, Cutting, Depression, Drug Use, Evan - Freeform, Evan Hansen - Freeform, Gay, Gay Sex, Gen, Hansen - Freeform, Help, I Don't Even Know, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, ME - Freeform, Mental Health Issues, Murphy - Freeform, Romance, Sad, Self-Harm, Sex, Slow Burn, Suicide, Suicide Attempt, This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things, Trees, a character might die, bear with me, dear evan hansen - Freeform, dont get upset, evan and connor - Freeform, lol, long ride, this is so sad, very, with, you already know
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-11-29
Updated: 2019-01-27
Packaged: 2019-09-02 02:13:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 6,830
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16777597
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/winchestrs/pseuds/winchestrs
Summary: After attempting to take his own life during the summer, Connor is put on strict house arrest. His seventeenth birthday passes, and with it comes the initials of his soulmate imprinted on his wrist. He is not fazed by the new addition to his body. He had a plan to end his suffering and he intended to go through with it. He had no time for new people in his life, especially his soulmate - whoever he was. But of course, he never gets what he wants and next thing you know Evan Hansen is in his life and is changing it in ways he could have never imagined.





	1. tired eyes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> its so so short i am so sorry

Connor Murphy woke up to his father shaking him awake. Of course, he acted as if he was still asleep. This lasted until Mr. Murphy shouted Connor’s name. 

“Connor!” His loud voice did not come as a shock to Connor. It was a daily occurrence. 

Connor shifted himself before completely sitting up and pulling himself out of bed. His father began to lecture him on getting to school on time for once and not skipping. Connor shoved past him and made his way into the bathroom. His father coming down on him about missing school was something he had been used to for months now. He never understood why the man hadn’t given up on him by now, he was a lost cause. Besides, it wasn’t like he was going to make it to graduation. Nor did he want to. 

He spent a few more minutes in the bathroom, looking at his tired eyes in the mirror, before walking back into his room. School was in twenty minutes, but Connor really didn’t feel like fucking going. School was completely pointless in Connor’s eyes. All you did was sit and learn about things you aren’t even going to use later on in life. Fucking pointless. 

Connor threw on a Nirvana tee, and then put his black sweatshirt over it. He runs his fingers over the dark ink on his wrist that had appeared last week. He knew what it was. The initials of his soulmate. Every day since they showed up he wondered who’s name it was. Not that it mattered. Connor was surprised at all that he had a soulmate. He had always thought his seventeenth birthday would come and pass without the ink appearing. But his seventeenth birthday came and with it came the ink. He wondered if his soulmate’s seventeenth came, if they had also had initials, Connors initials. What if they knew it was him and just didn’t care? Not that connor cared either. He had no time for any of that bullshit. He had a plan, and he knew what needed to be done to achieve it. Meeting new people just would fuck it up. He didn’t have time for that. 

He could hear Zoe come out of her room, which meant that it was time to go. Connor walked out of his room and out of the house ahead of her. He was doing his best to avoid a conversation with her this morning. He did not have the energy to deal with her twenty questions that she usually did everytime there was an opportunity to talk. But of course, Connor never got what he fucking wanted.

“So, How is school going?” The brown hair girl asked him as soon as they were both in the car. 

“You asked me this three days ago.” Connor snapped at her. It was ridiculous that he wasn’t allowed to drive himself to school. He even had his own car. But it sat in the garage going to waste because of stupid fucking rules that were put in place since he last attempted during the winter. 

“My bad for wondering about your well being.” Zoe shot at him. Connor rolled his eyes at that. 

“The only reason you are asking is so you have something to tell Mom and Dad when they ask how I am.” Connor almost laughed while saying this. 

The entire situation was stupid. Ever since his mom found him with a bottle of pills in the bathroom, his life hadn’t been the same. Immediently the door was taken off of his room, he wasn’t allowed to drive to school, and Zoe had to be on top of his actions 24/7. The only place he was allowed to go was school, and if he wanted to go anywhere else, Zoe had to be with him. His room had been raided too. Everything he could have harmed himself with was taken out, and he was left with the posters on his walls and his clothes. That wasn’t even the worst of it. 

When his father had found out Connor had almost attempted, he wasted no time telling connor how much of a bum he was. Repeating over and over to Connor that only pussy’s took the easy way out, such a man he was. That he wasn’t surprised since Connor was a fag. He used those words too. Right to his face. And he wonders why Connor feels the way he does. Connor fucking hates his father, hates everything about him. It’s not even about the way his father treats him, its more about how he treats Zoe and his mother. Connor deserved what he got, but they didn’t. They hadn’t harmed anyone ever. And to see his father yell at them and say hurtful things to them made him fucking livid. 

By the time they had arrived at school, Zoe had asked a dozen questions. He had never been more relieved to see the brown worn down building. Before Zoe could even finish parking, Connor jumped out and slammed the door. 

His entire demeanor shifted walking into the halls of his run down highschool. He walked with a don’t fuck with me if you want to keep your face straight kind of walk. No one dared talk to him. All they did was stare. Constantly. There was never a moment in Connors life where someone was not looking at him. It fucking sucked. He hated it. 

Connor could go on and on about things he hated. There were a lot. 

He gets to his first class, and sits in his usual spot in the back. No one sat back there with him. They knew better. Not even five minutes into the class, Connor dozed off.  
He found himself dreaming about the day he would finally leave this earth behind. How lovely it will be.


	2. no time

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so i wrote this one a little faster, and more detailed. 
> 
> still not my best though, and i am trying to figure out how to space out the paragraphs more, but ao3 isnt letting me :( so if any of you know how to help let me know!
> 
> thank u for reading. 60 reads already wow. 
> 
> love u all
> 
> <33 
> 
> noah

It was now lunch time and Connor had been aching for a cig since he got out of the car this morning.

He weaved his way through the halls and out the side door that led to the football field. His smoke spot was under the bleachers. Everyone knew that was his smoke spot. No one ever dared to enter that area when he was around, and Connor didn’t mind that at all, in fact that’s what he wanted.  
He lit his cigarette and took intake of the hormonal teenagers walking to their cars to probably eat lunch off campus. Connor wished at this moment his parents weren’t such assholes and he had a car of his own to drive. Or was allowed to drive at least.  
Connor was pissed at himself for not going through with killing himself in December. He had been so close. Infact he was just about to open the bottle, when his father busted down the bathroom door. There had been an argument just before that, about how Connor had interest in guys, and how all Connor did was smoke pot and how much of a bum he was. It’s not like that one argument set him off though. He had been planning it for weeks, waiting for the right time. But after that argument, Connor had decided there was no right time. He had taken one last look at his room, then at his sister and then went into the bathroom – locking the door behind him.  
Everything was kind of a blur after that.  
The smashed mirror, the blood, the pills, the door breaking open, his fathers angry face, the despaired look on his mothers face, the tears on zoe’s.  
He felt himself feel with guilt, for just a second. But that guilt is easily replaced with anger towards himself.  
Why didn’t he open the pill bottle?  
Why did he have to smash the mirror? 

If he hadn’t done that, they would have never known he was in there.  
After they found him, he was immediately screamed at by his father followed by cries from his mother. Zoe had simply made her way to her room. She didn’t come out till the next day. It was like a hurricane had come through the home and left nothing but silence after it. His bedroom door had come off the next day and his room had also been raided. If they were trying to make Connor feel better, it wasn’t really working.  
Connor became aware of the ink on his wrist again. He knew he couldn’t seek out his soulmate, and he hoped his soulmate wouldn’t seek him out either.  
He didn’t have any time for it.  
Besides, his soulmate was better off without him. No one wanted to deal with this broken mess he calls himself. He could barely handle himself. He didn’t want to pass on his brokenness to someone else either once he went through with the act of ending his life. Connor also couldn’t set himself up for rejection anymore.  
He finished his third cigarette and walked back into the school building. Lunch was almost over.  
He had English next, the only class he had actually enjoyed a little bit. Probably the only thing he would miss.  
When he walked into the classroom most of his classmates were already there. He could feel the eyes on his back as he went to his seat. This had been one of the only classes Connor he stayed awake in. He thoroughly enjoyed English. It was always so fascinating to him, especially the thought of it being so easy to create an alternative world filled with anything you wanted to be in it. Sometimes Connor thought about creating a world where he was happy. But, every time he thought about it – his stomach churned. There was no alternative world where Connor could be happy. He knew tht deep down and got mad at himself every time he imagined something different.  
The first thirty minutes of class was spent listening to the Teacher explain a project they would be having. Of course, Connor wouldn’t be around to turn it in – but he listened in anyway.  
“And it must be done with a partner of your choosing.” The teacher exclaimed at the end of elaborating on what was to be done.  
Great.  
When his teacher finished talking, everyone disbanded to find their friends. Connor didn’t have any friends nor did he want any. He stayed put and waited for the unlucky soul that got stuck with him.  
“Evan, why don’t you pair with Connor over there?” He heard his teacher tell someone across the classroom.  
Connor spots a brown-haired boy stand up and make his way over to Connor’s desk.  
Perfect. He really hoped that the boy didn’t expect Connor to do any work, even though Connor loved English class, didn’t mean he loved working.  
When the boy got closer, Connor got a look at his face.  
He was immediately taken aback. Evan’s eyes had caught connor off guard. They were forest green, and they captured Connor, they glowed with brokenness. Connor could tell that Evan had been through a lot, and was still struggling. He felt captivated by the boy. The beating of his heart sounded so loud he knew everyone could hear it.  
It wasn’t until Evan spoke that Connor realized he had been staring for way longer than what would be classified as normal.  
“H-Hey I’m Evan. I g-guess I’ll be working with you for the English project.” Connor snapped out of his trance.  
“Connor.” He responded back to the nervous boy. He knew that by the way Evan stood that he was afraid of Connor. Usually it wouldn’t bother Connor that someone was afraid of him, but for some reason he didn’t like the idea that Evan was.  
“I know.” Evan said.  
Connor raised his eyebrows at him. Of course the boy knew who he was, everyone did.  
“I’m s-sorry. By me saying I know I meant that I have h-heard your name around, not that im some kind of creepy stalker, because I mean im not a creepy stalker. Im sorry.” The boy suddenly was rambling.  
Connor couldn’t help but laugh.  
“I never thought you were some creepy stalker. Its okay. Sit down.” Connor gestured to the open desk next to him.  
“Okay.” Connor could tell the boy was relieved that he wasn’t upset with him.  
He ripped a piece of paper out of his notebook and scribbled down his phone number. Connor realized that in order to get this project done, Evan would have to come over. Maybe if his parents thought he had a friend, they would loosen up on the rules. Connor knew Evan would not become his friend though. He didn’t want him to. He didn’t have time.

“Here.” Connor said. He gave Evan, who was fidgeting with the end of his shirt, the scrap of paper with his number on it.  
“What’s this for?” Evan said looking up at him. Those green eyes were back, staring into his. Suddenly Connor was nervous all over again, and he couldn’t pinpoint why. There was no way he was attracted to Evan, he didn’t have any time to be attracted to someone.  
“So we can get this project done. Come over Saturday.” Connor stated. Before Evan had a chance to answer, the bell had rung, and Connor left.  
He didn’t know how much longer he could have sat there without saying something stupid.

✝✝✝✝✝✝

Connor had found himself thinking about Evan on the way home. He just couldn’t get his green eyes out of head, and the way they looked as if they held the universe. They were the type of eyes that would make you stop and look at them, even if you had only just gotten a glimpse of them.  
Zoe had barely spoken to him on the car ride home – which Connor didn’t mind at all. He liked the silence, it gave him a moment to think and for once he wasn’t thinking about death. 

✝✝✝✝✝✝

Saturday came quicker than Connor had thought it would. He hadn’t mentioned to his parents that he had someone coming over, but he didn’t care.  
Evan had texted him on Thursday asking about their plans for Saturday and what time to be there. Connor had laughed at the text message. It was a scrambled mess with many typos. He found it kind of cute.  
He had told Evan to be at his house for 2:30. It was 2:00 now, and Connor had yet to tidy his room up. Not that it mattered if his room was clean or not, but he didn’t want Evan to think lower of him than he probably already does.  
Picking up the dirty pile of clothes in the corner of his room, he took a glance outside.

There were dark clouds gathering in the sky and Connor couldn’t help but compare the sky with his own state of mind. The dark clouds were just like how he felt inside. Chaotic. A mess. He knew he was aching, he knew he was hurting, and he knew he deserved the pain. Its kind of amazing how whenever he feels emotional pain, it wasn’t like getting a physical injury. It was just a sinking heavy feeling. And once he feels this heaviness, he can’t help but think about how he caused all this pain on himself. And then with that thought, it brings on more pain. 

But with this heavy feeling, came the nothingness. There were days where he didn’t feel anything at all, drowning with his pain, completely numb. 

He snapped out of his thoughts and finished cleaning up his room. 

✝✝✝✝✝✝

Connor heard Evan’s voice before he had seen him. Zoe had let him in. He stayed back in his room, not sure how to greet the boy or how to greet those green eyes he had been aching to see again.  
He really needed to stop having these thoughts, he couldn’t catch feelings for him, he wouldn’t allow himself to.  
“H-Hey Connor.”  
He looked up at the sound of the shaky voice. He knew it belonged to Evan. Who else would be that nervous speaking to him?  
“Hey Evan.” Connor observed what Evan was wearing. He had a blue striped shirt, covered with a grey jacket, and he paired it with a pair of tan khakis. His soft brown hair was tousled around, as if he had run his fingers through it a billion times before coming here. Connor wanted to run his own fingers through the boy’s hair. He stopped himself at this thought.  
“So…do you want to work on the project?” Connor continued. Evan had still been standing in the doorway. Connor wondered if Evan thought he was weird for not having a door.  
“Right! I’m sorry!” Evan squeaked out, walking further into the room. Connor motioned for him to sit next to him on the bed.  
He could see that Evan had brought his English materials with him. He couldn’t believe that he would be working on a project. For school of all things.  
They spent the next two hours awkwardly reading and answering questions. For a little while, Connor felt calm. 

✝✝✝✝✝✝

Neither of the boys had realized that the initials on each other’s wrists matched their names.


	3. the broken boy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey so heres another update. dont get used to the regular updates though.   
> i have exams coming up and i dont know how much time i'll have to write.
> 
> plus its so hard to get how i want the story to go out there without having it come out stupid skdfdsl
> 
> anyways, enjoy! this chapter is kind of short, but i hope the next one is a little longer. 
> 
> im trying my best here. 
> 
> i also put this on wattpad. so yeah.

Connors temper was like TNT, once the sparks began to sizzle there was very little time to duck and cover. Connor never argued with his fists when it came to his family. He argued with his words, and his words packed a powerful punch.

His dad had pushed him to the final limits. Connor had skipped school on Thursday and the school just had to call his parents. Because apparently, his parents had told the school if Connor was not in any of his classes, they were to be notified immediately.

Needless to say, his father was pissed.

“There is no reason why you shouldn’t have gone to school today.” His father continued yelling at him, “Unless that is, you skipped to go smoke more pot.”

Connor laughed at that. He didn’t skip and smoke pot. He skipped and went to the apple orchard. He needed a personal day. Zoe hadn’t notice him leave school surprisingly.

“What the hell are you laughing at _son_?” Mr. Murphys voice felt like it had rattled the walls.

“I did not skip school to go smoke fucking pot father.” Connor’s calm voice was not to be confused with being nice. He was livid.

“I am sorry that all you think of me is that I am a pothead and poor excuse for a son. Maybe if you had done things with me, or had actual fucking conversations with me, I wouldn’t be such a fucking freak, as you said before.” And with that Connor walked right out the front door.

He probably could have continued arguing. Could have gotten his father even more wound up. But all Connor wanted to right now was to smoke. It was funny since his father called him a pothead earlier. He wasn’t wrong, but Connor really didn’t skip school and smoke.

Connor headed towards the woods and pulled his phone out to call his dealer Cody. He had some cash left over from when he last stole from his parents, but no weed to smoke. He smoked the last of his stash two weeks before, and only now had been alone and able to restock.

It took ten minutes for Cody to appear with five grams of what had come to be Connor’s favorite thing. They exchanged their dues, and parted.

An hour later, Connor was stoned out of his mind. He was completely calm but filled with a ticklish feeling. He had completely forgotten about the argument he had with his father earlier, and he also had forgotten about wanting to end his life…about planning to.

Connor had a little bit of weed left, and he decided to roll it into another blunt. He loved the feeling he got when the smoke filled his lungs. It was a relief for him, something nothing else had ever been able to give him.

Everything was so much easier when he was high.

Suddenly, he found himself thinking of the subtle but sweet blue-eyed boy that he so happened to be forming a slight crush on. It was okay for Connor to be thinking of him this way while he was high. Everything was okay when he was high.

He wanted to be able to take away all the pain that was held in Evan’s eyes. He yearned to hold the boy in his arms and transfer all Evan’s pain to himself. 

Connor felt centered when he was with Evan. They had hung out two more times after school this past week to get the English project done. Evan had been awkward as usual, but nothing Connor couldn’t handle. He liked Evan’s shy personality.

He had been walking for what seemed like hours. Observing his surroundings, he sees he is in a park. How did he end up in a park?

Up ahead, he can see the silhouette of someone under a tall oak tree. The tree glows brightly under the moonlit sky. Connor becomes curious as to who else is out this late. He walks towards the person.

It’s Evan.

The cloudless night sky allowed the light to glisten on Evans face. Connor didn’t think he could get any more beautiful. He was wrong.

He could tell the boy had been crying. This made Connor feel a bit of sadness himself. Why was Evan crying? Who had hurt him?

He didn’t know how to make himself known, without it being awkward. So Connor purposely stepped on a twig that he found. It made Evan jump and turn. They made eye contact, and Connor felt captured in his eyes once again.

“Hey.” Connor gasped. It was almost like he was a ghost, Evan saw right through him. Connors already broken heart shattered even more. He had only seen that kind of sadness in his own eyes. And as calm Connor had been high, something else creeped its way into his heart.

“Evan. Kid, It’s Connor.” He took a few steps forward, “Talk to me.”

He was unable to tear his eyes off the broken boy.

“You s-should leave Connor.” Evan barely whispered. Connor almost wanted to laugh. The boy was dumb if he really thought that Connor was just going to leave him here.

Connor needed to know why Evan was out here so late at night.

“Evan, Why are you out here?” he whispered, running a hand through his hair, suddenly aware of how sober he felt.

“y-you wouldn’t understand Connor.” Evan managed to say, he turned away from Connor, looking up at the oak tree once again.

The thing was, Connor would understand. Connor really, really, really hated himself. He hated the way he treated his family, the way he treated kids at school, the way he smoked weed so often. He hated everything about himself.

Connor was sure he would understand why Evan was out here, since he already had an idea.

“Please talk to me. We’re friends. I’m your friend.” He shocked himself by saying these words. But, he knew it was what Evan needed to hear.

“F-Friends?” Evan choked out. The boy had started to cry again, and Connor moved towards him. He leaned into Evan, wrapping his arms around the boy, allowing Evan to sob into his chest.

The past week had been tough for the both of them.

Plus, Connor had warmed up to the idea of Evan Hansen. He could see now that he wasn’t the only one that felt alone, that felt hopeless. Looking at Evan in this state, made him want to save Evan. And maybe even save himself.

He questioned why he felt so close to Evan, when they had just met.

Is this what people meant? When they said we cant control our feelings?

Because right now, as he held the sad boy in his arms, he couldn’t help but feel something strong for him.

He felt it every time Evan said his name, or every time he even saw Evan. He realized that trying to suppress what he felt wouldn’t help anyone and would only make matters worse for Connor.

There he was, holding Evan, feeling all of these emotions he had practiced so well to keep silent this past week.

Connor kind of liked that Evan was lonely like he was, as selfish as that sounded. He hoped that maybe they could provide each other something that would fill that loneliness. This was definitely the weed talking. Sober Connor would not have these thoughts.

He glanced down at the brown-haired boy. His hair was disheveled and unkempt, almost as if he had run his fingers through it a thousand times.

“Lets sit.” Connor pulled the boy down to sit under the oak tree. Evan leaned his head back against the tree, eyes still closed.

“I-I don’t want to talk about why I’m here.” Connor understood. It wasn’t his business anyway, and he knew enough about Evan to not pry.

“That’s fine. We don’t have to.” He spoke, looking ahead, “Lets talk about something else then.”

They conversed till the birds began to chirp. Connor learned a lot about Evan. He learned that Evan really enjoyed trees, and that Evan saw a therapist every week. He also learned that Evan really liked the color blue, as well as he had frequent panic attacks over the silliest of things.

Connor had let Evan know a bit about himself as well. He told him about how his father was always scolding him for something, and how mean he was to his sister, and how tonight, he had been so high, but now he was sober. Connor had almost told him that his new favorite color was green, but he felt that would be weird, because what if Evan had asked him why that was.

It wouldn’t be fair of Connor to tell Evan how he was feeling when Evan was in this vulnerable state.

They both had school in the next four hours, Connors parents were probably flipping their shit at him not coming back home. But they could shove it, because he loved being in Evans presence tonight.

Connor helped Evan up, and told him that they both better get going.

It wasn’t until Connor released Evans arm that he saw the black ink on his wrist.

He almost lost his balance.

_C.M_

Evan had adjusted his sleeve before Connor could even say anything. He just nodded his head to Evan and walked back towards his house.

After ten minutes of walking, he finally had the courage to look at his own wrist.

_E.H_

Could they be soulmates?

_What the actual fuck?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i hope u liked it. 
> 
> i love u all. thank u for the comments, kudos and views!
> 
> love, 
> 
> noah


	4. hey! not a chapter! but a lil update!

hey!! so i am so sorry its been about a week or so since ive updated. i keep going to it and i go to write and it just doesnt seem like ENOUGH.  
plus i have exams !! and then after exams i have two weeks off, so 

expect an update or two soon. i promise. 

ive just got a bad case of writers block & tons of school work piled up. 

pls understand. thank u all for the comments and kudos it means sos so so so much 

like that is wht motivates me to write more. so thank u. 

also if u didnt hear, this came out a week or two ago, but dear evan hansen is going to become a movie.  
im so happy 

also i love timothee chalamet if u dont know who that is

search him & watch call me by your name & beautiful boy. 

okok

that is all. 

merry christmas everyone. i love u all. 

my instagram is: @luvlynoe  
( on my instagram it says madison, but my name is noah, my birthname is madison though.) 

pls message me!! i need more friends!!

ok have a good day :)


	5. i'll try

After the night at the park ended, Evan went straight home. He wondered why Connor had that weird expression on this face after they parted ways. He also wondered why he let Connor Murphy talk him down from climbing that tree and ending it all. It wasn’t like they were close friends. They had just met each other, why did Connor comfort him?

He didn’t realize why until later when he was laying in bed, about to sleep for what little time he had left before his mother came in.

He glanced at his wrist for the first time in the past week.

_C.M_

It took almost everything in him for Evan to not faint right then and there. How could he have been so oblivious before? It had been right there in front of him this whole time. How couldn’t he have seen it each of the times they were together? He never even thought about his soulmate while he was with Connor. No, when he was hanging out with Connor, he was calm. Not all anxiety prone like he was around other people. He never realized it until now. Connor had an effect on him.

Now, the thought about Connor being Evan’s soulmate would not leave Evan’s mind. It stayed there. Evan thought of it the next morning when he got dressed for the day, and he thought of it at breakfast, and even later on when he was at his appointment with Dr.Sherman.

“Evan, have you been writing those letters to yourself?” Evan had barely been listening before, all he could think about was Connor.

“I started one.” He replied.

“You know how important those letters are Evan. I want to see some of them when you come for your next appointment.” Dr. Sherman asked him, scribbling down something on his yellow pad.

“Uh huh.” Evan just could not concentrate, and he knew that Dr. Sherman noticed.

“What’s got you all distracted?” The yellow paper with scribbles all over it screamed at Evan.

If he told Dr. Sherman that he might have found his soulmate, Dr. Sherman might tell his mom, and then his mom just might want to meet Connor, and something like that will make Connor not want to be his friend and then he would be friendless again and just have his family friend Jared, who as Jared said he cant even call him a real friend, because family friends are a total different thing from a real friend.

“W-What? Oh Nothing. J-Just a lot of school work. Y-You know.” Evan played with the hem of his blue polo shirt. He always wore this shirt on the days he had an appointment with Dr. Sherman. He never knew why he did, it had just become a habit.

Dr. Sherman nodded. Evan knew that he knew that wasn’t the case, but he wasn’t going to press the matter any further, at least not until their next appointment, because their time for this session was up.

“Well. Evan, I want you to have at least three letters written for me the next time you see me. No matter how short or how long they are, I want them done. At the very least, I want you to try to write three. Okay?”

Evan nodded his head, “Y-yeah. Try. I’ll try.”

And with that, Evan was on his way home, thoughts of Connor filling his mind once again.

**Connors Pov.**

The roof outside of his bedroom window held a collection of cigarette stubs. Connor would go out onto the ledge to think, to gain some sort of balance in his mind. Right now, Connor needed that. He crawled out onto the roof and pulled out a cigarette, sticking it in his mouth.

He lit it quickly and took a drag. Staring out at the night sky. Stars littered the sky, lighting it up like the old kaleidoscope Connor used to have. Connor smiles, feeling the brisk wind blow through his hair.

He had been unable to stop thinking about that night with Evan. It had been a day now since it occurred, and Connor hadn’t reached out to Evan, to see if he was alright, or to see if he had noticed Connor run off so suddenly.

Connor felt his lungs being wrapped in a warm blanket as he inhaled for the last time before putting his cigarette out.

His mother hated the fact that he smoked cigarettes. She hated that he smoked weed more. But, she had given up on stopping him, he would continue to do it despite her protests. They never talked as much as they used to. Connor didn’t care. He stopped caring about everyone in his home a long time ago.

Connor knew that at some point he would have to talk to Evan. He didn’t want to cause Evan to think that Connor didn’t care about him, because Connor did, he just had trouble showing it.

Pulling out his phone, he found Evans Contact.

**Me** _: hey._

There. That wasn’t so bad. Now Connor just had to wait for a response.

It took less than fifteen minutes for him to get one.

 **Evan H.** : _Hey Connor_

 **Me** : _how are you?_

 **Evan H.** : _I am okay._

 **Me** : _good_

 **Me** : _did you want to come over?_

It was nine o clock at night, and Connor didn’t know why he had asked that, and there was a big possibility Evan couldn’t even come over. He didn’t have careless parents like Connor did. Although, he was in the park in the middle of the night.

 **Evan H.** : _Sure._

Oh shit. Evan was coming over. Connor scrambled off the roof and back into his room. He needed a shower, there was no way he was going to allow Evan to see him like this.

What if Evan brought up the initial thing?

Wait. Isn’t this why Connor wanted to invite him over, so he could figure things out. His head was all sorts of confused. He knew he didn’t want a soulmate, that he didn’t have time for one, but what if Evan was actually his soulmate? And what if Evan knew he was? Connor couldn’t disappoint anymore people. That wouldn’t be fair to Evan especially.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i managed to finish this short little chapter during exams. i have finished two and i have two more!! im so close. 
> 
> also uhhh i have this big crush on this boy at my school, hes so damn ugh. but i doubt he even knows my name, he just occasionally smiles at me and does stupid things. he threw something at me once, does that count as flirting? i doubt it. 
> 
> then there is my ex girlfriend who i cant get out of my head. my heart is all sorts of confused. ahh!!!!
> 
> i hope evryone is having a good december! and i hope yall have a good christmas! im going to try and finish the next chapter as soon as possible. i love u all. thank u so much for the comments and kudos, it means the world to me.


	6. are you afraid of heights?

The two boys had been quietly sitting across from each other for five minutes now. Connors hair was dripping wet and Evan was fiddling with the bottom of his shirt. Neither of them had say anything to each other since Evan had arrived.

Connor took a good look at Evan while Evan had his head down, focusing on his shirt.

There was something about Evan that just drew Connor in. Evan was a good looking boy, but no, it was more than that. Evan was quiet, not out of shyness, but out of being afraid of saying something wrong. He could tell that the boy was more fragile than the glass cube that sits on Connors dresser.

Connor wanted to know everything he could about Evan. He wanted to know about his mom, about what he did as a kid, about what he wanted to be when he got older.

He hated the fact that someone could make him feel this way, but maybe this was a sign. A sign that he shouldn’t take his life, just yet.

Suddenly Evan picks his head up and looks at Connor.

Connor could see that Evan was studying him, just as Connor had been studying Evan moments before. He wondered what Evan was thinking, and why Evan had not said anything yet.

Moments passed, and Evan was still looking at Connor.

Suddenly self-conscious, Connor sprung up and walked across the room. He grabbed his pack of cigs and made his way to his window, gesturing for Evan to follow. He heard the boy scramble to his feet behind him.

“Are you afraid of heights?” Connor asked the boy, already climbing outside of his window.

“N-No. Not really.” Evan answered.

Connor could tell that Evan was nervous, and probably was afraid of heights and just said he wasn’t because he didn’t want to disappoint Connor. He turned around towards Evan.

“Come here. I’ll help you.” Connor urged, with his hand out. He knew that Evan would probably fall off the roof if he tried to get up there himself.

When Evan didn’t move, Connor pulled his hand back.

“Suit yourself.” Connor turned back away from the boy, his stomach tightening. Was Evan afraid of him? Why wouldn’t he let him help him onto the roof?

Connor lit a cigarette and inhaled it. Minutes later, Evan had finally made his way onto the roof, after a string of curse words when his shirt had caught onto the windowsill.

“Why did you invite me over Connor? I know it wasn’t so I could watch you smoke cigarettes on your roof.” The sudden confidence coming from Evan sent shivers down Connors spine.

Connor smiled and took another puff.

Feeling the smoke enter his lungs and coat his mind in blissfulness, he turned his head to Evan meeting the boys eyes which were filled with curiosity and a tinge of fear.

We stared at each other again in an odd way, as if we were in a silent argument. But then Connor spoke.

“I needed to talk to you about something.” Evan looked at him and motioned for him to continue. Connor had a feeling Evan knew exactly what he was going to say next.

Connor sighed, “That night I found you in the park, I saw something, before you left. I saw your soulmate mark, the initials. I mean I think I did, I don’t know for sure. But I invited you here because I needed to make sure, before I did anything else. I needed to make sure they said what I believe I saw.”

Connor finished his cigarette after he finished talking. He hadn’t expected Evan to say anything, hell he expected Evan to stand right up and go back inside and go home. But Evan didn’t.

“H-Here.” Evan muttered. Connor turned and could see Evans arm, reached out, his wrist still hidden.

“What?” Connor dumbly responded, unaware to what Evan wanted him to do.

“L-Look for yourself. A-At my mark.” Evan sputtered, clearly more nervous about this than Connor was. Maybe Evan had been thinking about the possibility of them being soulmates just like Connor had.

Connor moves closer to Evan, and looks over his outreached arm. Shakily, Connor grabs it and slowly pulls up Evans jacket sleeve, revealing what Connor had been so unsure of.

**_C.M_ **

He hadn’t realized he had been staring until Evan pulled his arm out of his grasp.

“I-I should probably go. M-My mom will probably be w-worried I mean I didn’t tell her w-where I was going. Well I left a note, but I-I mean she c-could be home from work and not see it and then she will call the police and I cant have that happen.” Evan blurted out, moving to leave.

Connor grabbed Evan’s arm, “Wait.”

He felt an urge to do something, to calm Evan, but mainly himself. Evan was looking into Connor’s eyes now, silence overcoming the two. Connor could tell Evan had an inclination of what was to come in the next few seconds.

Connor moved his hand to cup the side of Evan’s face, and when Evan didn’t push him away, Connor slowly leaned in. Connor pressed his lips against Evan’s.

It was innocent enough, and when Connor pulled away, he was met with the green eyes he has grown to be captivated by.

Connor moved to show Evan his own soulmate mark.

**_E.H_ **

A look of calmness filled Evan’s eyes, and when he looked back up at Connor, Connor knew what had just happened was not going to be the last time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hehehe yes ik its short but not as short as the last one. 
> 
> i tried to make it kinda cute??????? 
> 
> ive been down in the slumps, but exams r over and i get to sleep all i want. 
> 
> also the boy i have a crush on at my art school added me back on snapchat and now we're friends and   
> i have his number. but  
> theres another boy in the way now and i am so conflicted man. 
> 
> idk what to do. 
> 
> thank u for reading. ill update another chapter soon. love u :)


	7. HI HI IM STILL ALIVE

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> AAAAAAAAA

hey yall.im still alive. i know i havent updated in a longggg time.

idk if you read the lil author notes i write after every chapter. but if u do!!!  
then

i started talking to the other boy, not the one from art school, but one that lives far far away from me. 

we spent every single day on the phone with each other, and he told me i could fall in love with him and that he wouldnt hurt me like other people have. 

well i was scared.

so i didnt. then i did. and i let him fool me into falling in love with him. i believed him when he would tell me he loved me and i believed him when he said he would never leave.

then well

he did leave. 

and i cant seem to get out of bed at the moment. but , i love you guys and im sorry for this sad story lol. i just dont have any motivation to do anything anymore.

but i will write again , once im better. 

i love u guys. 

add me on snap: x666badbitch i need more friends to talk 2


End file.
